Experience, Love & Comfort

I once asked an adult what makes adults so confident. I was in high school. Fairly naive, still. But it’s true, in general adults do exude a seemingly innate confidence that often intimidates the younger ones. And so she replied — “Experience. It’s because the ample experiences” and I couldn’t agree more. 

You know that anxious feeling you get before doing something for the first time? That’s exactly what most kids/teenagers feel all the time. They stumble with their words and mumble, their limbs behaving in awkward manners that you didn’t even think was possible - Until they reach a point in their life where they have encountered the same things/patterns for a reasonable number of times and that’s when the “coolness” era comes in and by then they’ve developed a set of comfortable responds to new things in which some takes a while to develop. 

I have been told that I have quite a calm demeanour when I tackle things that are seemingly nerve racking. Oh, they do not know tHE exasperating thoughts that run in my head, how ridiculously loud my heart beats and the amount of preparation that happened prior to that. But Alhamdulillah, He is very Kind. Professional wise, I have always been quite okay with it. I get the job done. But it’s only recently that I can confidently say that I’m very comfortable in my own skin and I will never take that for granted. And I thank Him always for this blessing. 

After I lost the love of my life at the age of 18, I would say I was a bit...lost? For a lack of a better word. She was my number one supporter. Have always looked at me in the best way despite having seen my flaws. It’s hard to lose someone who grounds you from time to time and loves you unconditionally, out of a sudden. Especially at that crucial age. I questioned a lot of my actions. Quite viciously sometimes. And it was very hard to share my thoughts with others because the last thing I want to do is to make people worry about me and  I’m never the kind to share my thoughts easily. The only person that I’ve ever told everything was my mum and not having her along my side as I brace through different phases of my life - out of high school, semi-adulthood, uni,  it was very perplexing and a huge question mark most of the time.

I would like to hug that Diy. 

But over those gnawing years, I diverted my attention to my academics. Alhamdulillah it managed to distract me most of the times. And I got to where I wanted to be and I feel like that was  then the peak of my confusion. My first year in uni was extremely hard. I’ve never been so different. I actually wrote about this in one of my entries. And it hit me really hard when I realised I was losing myself. 

Fast forward, what made me who I am today was/is really the people that genuinely love me and care for me. Their kind words. Their trust in me. Their belief in me. Their encouragements. Their support during my down times. And I especially owe a lot to a special person that has constantly been pushing me to be the best version of myself in the most incredible ways. And always wanting to understand me and help me to an extend that I can never understand. It was a rough and excruciating ride but I guess this is  the turn to the mountain. A blessing in disguise. A silver lining. Whatever it may be. It’s the best gift. Alhamdulillah. Thank you. I am forever thankful for the kind people that He blesses me with. I love them very much. And I pray  that I make them happy as well.

Having experience is one thing but having people that root for you genuinely is another incredible thing. I’ll never take that for granted :)